On the Other Side of the World, I Met Myself

I’m taking you to Italy with me, but this isn’t a travel recap. It’s a soul recap.

In this episode, I share how a three-week journey through London, Rome, Capri, Taormina, and Palermo became a turning point in how I see myself, my healing, and what I’m capable of.

I talk about:

• The grief that surprised me in the airport lounge and why grief lives in the body
• How I practiced being with myself (dining alone, wandering, asking for help without shame)
• Ancestral pride and feeling my grandma with me in Italy
• The “I don’t belong here” moments, and how I learned to take up space anyway
• The boat day that cracked something open in me: joy, freedom, and a new capacity to dream bigger
• Why “Vacation Arlyne” isn’t just vacation… she’s me
• My challenge to you: what are you putting off because it’s “never a good time”?

If you’ve been craving expansion, courage, or a reminder that your life can be bigger than the one you’ve been surviving through, this one’s for you.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Italy Matters

Arlyne 0:00

I remembered my body, remember a life I wasn't living anymore. It's so important to process your grief because it lives in your body. And the more and more that you create space and moments to let it go, the more that you can enjoy these experiences. What is that thing that you're putting off? What is that thing that you've thought? I've always wanted to do this and I just can't. It's just never a good time. But you create that good time. You create that space. I could feel the expansion happening inside me. This mode of myself that had been in survival mode for so long was starting to strip away. Like it's me. This is me. These moments of expansion are me. Welcome back to the I Will Know You podcast with your host, Arlene Solis. We are diving into the heart of self-discovery, one connection, and one story at a time. I'm so excited for today's episode because we're going to Italy together. And I know that you've always wanted to go to Italy with me. And I've had so many questions about this trip, how it came to fruition, all the things that I did, all the things that I ate, all the things that I saw. And I'll talk about some of that today. But this episode is going to be less of a travel recap and more of a soul recap, of a recap of the way that this trip really changed the way that I saw myself, how I met a new version of myself, like I talked about in my previous episode. And the way that my mind has shifted. But helping even put this episode together brought me so much joy and so much brightness when I was thinking about all of the things to share and all of the ways in which travel in general has really changed me. But doing this on my own for myself and with myself and what that experience was really like. So let's get started. How did I end up doing this, anyways? I think is one of the questions I get a lot is how did you decide? How did you make the time? How did you figure out how to do that? And honestly, so my friend Liz, who I love and shout out to Liz and Alessandro, two of my favorite people. Uh, Liz goes to Europe every summer and invites me constantly. And I've always had some sort of an excuse not to go, whether that was something that had to do with my dog, which there's always something happening with my dog, or it had to do with money, time, work. It just, it was like, no, oh, you know, I really want to, but just can't make it happen this time. Or, you know, that that's something I'm gonna try to do next year, but it's just, it's just too tough for me. And so when I really decided I was gonna do this, as I mentioned in my previous episode, I was like, no, like I've always wanted to. I can take the time off. I can afford to do it. Why am I holding myself back? Like, what is the fear? And some of it came from anxiety. I've mentioned in previous episodes. I'm somebody who has struggled with anxiety a lot of my life. And I had a lot of anxious thoughts around what this might feel like and look like and be like. But I had done so much work on myself and my nervous system and healing that it felt like one of those fuck it moments. Like, fuck it. I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna go and I'm just gonna figure it out. And gratefully, which I'm so thankful for, Liz is an incredible planner. So I also didn't have to worry too much about where I was going, the cities I was going in. Like it was, she made the logistics of it a lot more helpful. And I think had I planned everything from scratch, it probably would have been a lot less likely that I would have done something like this. But so having that help was really great. And me also being open to asking. There was a part of me that felt like, well, I'm not as well traveled as some of the people around me and people that I know. And I don't want to feel weird about this, but I do really want to do it. And the cool thing about Liz is we've been friends since we were 14 years old. And so she has seen many versions of me and lived many versions of life with me. And so it was cool because I didn't feel that same sense of judgment. So from the time I decided I was planning and I was all in, it was gonna happen. Talk to my financial advisor, uh, got a babysitter for Homer and for Tina, and was really ready to do this. And before I left for my trip, I felt like I was saying a lot. I'm going to Europe, I'm going to Europe. I'm really excited. I'm going to Europe. But inside, I was scared. I was scared about doing all of this on my own. The last time I had been uh on a European trip, it was with my ex-husband. And I've traveled for work a bunch throughout the years on my own and by myself. But I hadn't done a trip of this length or this caliber on my own. And as excited as I was, I also felt really scared about what that meant and what that was going to look like and what that was going to feel like. But it ended up being such a huge moment of becoming for me and joy and uh a feeling of giving myself a lot of internal validation in some moments where I was seeking some more external validation. And it challenged me to again meet myself in a different way. So the first thing I want to talk about was the early part of the trip when I'm getting ready to go and packing, all of that. All that was fun. You know, my I had friends come over and help me pack. And it was, it was exciting to have everybody so be so excited for me. It I felt like it took away some of that fear that I was experiencing and it really created more space for me to be excited. And then when I got to the airport, I got into the lounge because of course I was not gonna fly that far and not fly business class and lay down. But you're probably thinking to yourself, oh my gosh, girl. But hey, when I said I was gonna do this trip big, I meant it. And believe me, honey, I did it big. So I get to the first class lounge and I'm sitting there and I can just feel this huge wave of grief come over my body. And even now, as I'm talking about it, I can still feel some of it. But the last time I was in the first class lounge, the business lounge, I was with my ex-husband. And as I went into the lounge and I was so excited, like, oh my gosh, I'm here. I have my cute little pink luggage, and I'm having, you know, complimentary champagne and snacks. I was looking across the table from me and I was on my own. And as much as I was proud of myself in that moment, I got very sad. And even now, as I'm saying it, you can hear it in my voice, and it still makes me sad because I remembered my body remembered a life I wasn't living anymore. And that's why, as I mentioned in my last episode, it's so important to process your grief because it lives in your body. And the more and more that you create space and moments to let it go, the more that you can enjoy these experiences. And so for me, I end up calling my mom and just telling her, hey, you know, I'm feeling really emotional and here's why. And she gave me a really beautiful talk, just telling me, you know, about being so proud of myself and not just me being proud of myself, but the way my grandma would be proud of me. My grandma loved to travel, she absolutely loved to travel. And my grandpa didn't. And so a lot of her travel, she went to Rome and she went to France and she saw so many beautiful places that she would go on retreats through her church with. And she did it without my grandpa. And having that perspective of like that was something my grandma wanted to do. And just because my grandpa didn't like to travel doesn't mean that she wasn't gonna do it. Kind of helped snap me back into, I won't say reality because the the grief and the mourning is also part of the reality, but to be more present in the moment. And that that theme of I've mentioned, and I think it will continue to be somewhat of a theme throughout episodes of, oh my gosh, I'm so proud of myself. And oh wow, this is the first time I'm doing this with myself only. I'm trying to be very intentional about the way I use the word alone. I like to describe it as being with myself. I'm with myself and I have great company. And even in moments where it might be tough to be with myself, I remind myself that. And that was one of those moments. So I really felt that. Like I just could feel it in my body, but I was also really excited. And so I was holding space for all of these emotions at the same time. I get onto my flight, I have too many glasses of whispering angel rose. And but I was really just living so much. I felt so alive even in that moment. My mom actually gave me um this medallion uh that my grandma would wear, a necklace that my grandma would wear all the time. And so I wore it on my trip and took it with me. And it felt like a way that I could take her with me on the trip. And so on that flight, I reached up to my neck so many times and kind of rubbed the medallion and just thought of her and thought of how proud she would be of me and how she had been on these long flights as well. And just the experience that she had. And I know that she was not flying business class. And so even the privilege of that and and the fact that I was able to do that for myself, I would say to myself, like, wow, like she must be so proud of me. And it made me proud of myself. And I ended up landing in London and kind of realizing a few things. One, I, while yes, I had some wine. Um, this was the longest flight I had ever taken and not taken a Xanax. And for anybody who takes Xanax or needs it, for your anxiety to help you calm, like you understand it's a tool and it's helpful. And I had it with me in case I needed it, but I didn't need it. And I was really surprised. And I've said before, I don't always love being surprised by myself or my reactions, but whenever I am surprised by something that is me, it gives me a moment to look inward and kind of ask, why am I so surprised by this? And so I got off the plane and was like, oh wow, I didn't, I didn't take anything and I slept and I enjoyed a delicious meal and I watched a couple of movies and I'm okay. And I was really surprised. And I just thought, okay, well, let me get all of this luggage because your girl overpacked so profoundly. Um, I just kept saying to myself, like, wow, I didn't realize how anxious I was the last time I came on this trip with my ex-partner until I was on it on my own. And it ignited this kind of new thought for me of I am here with myself. I'm gonna meet up with my friends soon, but I have a couple days in London on my own. I took a couple days in London on my own on the front end and the back end because London is a really special place to me. And I just kind of could feel my nervous system stronger in a way than it had been in the past before. And as I was there and kind of thinking, oh my gosh, okay, I've just landed here. I have a lot of vacation clothes, and London was a little bit gloomier than of course it's London, but I was thinking to myself, I need to shop, I need to figure this out. I need to sleep. I, you know, the time, I think the local time was like noon or 1 p.m. Maybe it might have been 2 p.m. at the latest. And then I think my time back at home, it was like the middle of the night. And so I felt really off. And I got to my hotel and just thought, what do I do now? What do I do? I'm with myself. I don't have any plans, I'm not on a schedule. What do I do? And I can't go to sleep because I don't want to mess with my pattern of of sleep. And uh, and so I freshened up, I got ready, and I decided I'm just gonna go out into the city and explore. And I got dressed, went down to the concierge, asked, hey, I'm gonna go, you know, I want to go shop a little bit and I want to go to dinner. Do you have some recommendations for me in this area? They gave me some great recommendations and out I went. And I can remember just feeling so free and alive walking on the streets of London with myself. And again, the last time I had been in London, I was 30 years old. I'd gone for my 30th birthday with my ex. We'd both turned 30 the same year. And so prior to that, I'd been to London one more time when I was in high school. I was there to cheer in the London New Year's Day parade. But I'd never been in London in this way. And I love London so much. And I just was walking around the streets and I could, I felt like my heart was glowing. Like I felt like, oh my gosh, like I did this. I brought myself here, and here I am doing what I want. And so I went shopping and I did a lot of shopping on this whole trip. But on this day, it's kind of what was keeping me up and around. And then it came time to figure out what do I do for my meal? And dining with myself is something that has been a bit more challenging for me. Dining with myself and cooking with myself because when you're in partnership for so long, you get used to doing that with someone. Even if you aren't even talking to each other at the table, you just get used to, I think, having a body there and having somebody there. And so, and I just I can get distracted looking around at everybody else that's, you know, with friends or on dates or whatever it is whenever I'm out. And so I just thought, okay, I gotta, I gotta, I wanna do this. Like this, I'm on this trip with myself. And if I'm gonna spend time with myself, I'm gonna have dinner with myself to start. And I went out and I had this amazing meal at the Spanish restaurant and just sat at the bar, sat at the bar, ordered a few different plates, a few different drinks, looked around, listened to some of the conversations, talked to the bartender a little bit. And then after that, I went out and got a drink at a pub that was just a couple doors down and met some random people and had conversations with them about my trip. Uh, they confirmed to me that I looked like a tourist at the moment because I did have my uh handbag and a crossbody and I had a bunch of shopping bags with me. So I was looking very touristy. Um, but it was cool to just meet people and have conversation and have no intention of anything else other than just exploring and meeting people. And then I went back to my room and I went to bed and I woke up the next day just feeling so bright and feeling so excited for the beginning of this three weeks that I was gonna have. And that next day, I went to breakfast at this restaurant called Deshoom. And if you've ever been to London, you've ever been to Dishume, it is amazing Indian food. And again, it was a restaurant that my ex and I really loved together when we were in London last. We even bought each other the Chris, the uh cooking books uh for Christmas a couple of years ago from that restaurant. And I was in a bit of agony most of the morning thinking about going and thinking about how that might feel, being back into that restaurant and being with myself. And as I walked in, I I walked there and even the whole walk there, I kept thinking, am I gonna go? Am I gonna do it? Am I really gonna sit down and do this? Am I torturing myself? Does this is this a smart thing to do, or am I healing? That's what my inner voice was sounding like at the time. And I went in and I sat down and asked for some breakfast recommendations because I'd only ever been there for dinner. And as I ordered my food, I took in a big deep breath. And as I let out that deep breath, I was filled with some more tears. And they this time it was a mix. It was a mix of looking across the table and not seeing anybody there, but it was also a mix of pride of like, wow, I'm so proud of myself that I did this. And this is a restaurant that I love. Why would I not come? Like, why would I say, oh, like it's just too hard? It was hard and it did make me emotional, but I was really proud of myself. And I could even feel the growth from that first moment in the lounge to this moment in this restaurant. I kept shopping after that to ease some of the emotional pain. But the food was incredible. And then I met up with my friends, and that's when the trip really took off after past that point. But those first few days on my own, it was about two, uh, I could feel the expansion happening inside me. And I was less consumed with thoughts of anticipatory anxiety or loneliness, and more consumed with thoughts of being excited about what was to come and what I was about to experience. And the first night that my friend Liz and her family got there, we went out to an incredible dinner. We went out to a club, and I was up till three o'clock in the morning. And then the next day we were leaving for Rome. And I just thought to myself, like, who am I? Who is this girl? And I felt like I said that on my trip so much. Like, who am I? Who is she? What is she doing? And Liz made a comment which was so funny. And I still think about this, where she was like, You're so fun. And not that I wasn't fun before, I just was very anxious. And your body will tell you, you know, when you are in a situation or in a space that you shouldn't be, or that I don't want to say that you shouldn't be, but that your body is telling you, hey, this is not, this is not great. This is not for you. And I'd been living in that space for so long. And at this point, I was living in a space where I just felt so alive and so powerful. And I had a really similar experience when we left London and we were flying into Rome. I, as we started to land and descent there, I was so emotional thinking about my grandma. Because as I was looking out at the plane, I was thinking to myself, oh my gosh, she did this. Like she also did this. She was also looking at this same view that I was looking at. And the beautiful water that I could see of before we were kind of descending into there, the waters and the islands. And even when we got into the room into the airport, I kept thinking to myself, my grandma walked in here. Like she walked in this airport, and she had this experience and how just grateful I was that I could do that for myself in a really different way than the way that she did it. And so it was just so special. My grandma was also a very devout Catholic woman. And I kind of joke, I'm I'm a holiday Catholic. I'm not really as great in that way. But it was really excited for her to be there. And so I just could feel her with me. And I could feel her like in my heart and in my soul, and walking with me through the airport and getting my first passport stamp in Italy, because I'd never been to Italy before. And I was thinking about just the generational nuances of what I was doing at that time and what I was accomplishing, and the fact that I am my grandma's and my ancestors' wildest dreams doing this and going on this trip and having this experience. And realizing too that it's okay to do this later in life. I think there was a little bit of sadness in me that it was my first time in Italy and I'm 36 years old. But these timelines that we have in our head about when we're supposed to do things and how we're supposed to do things and who we're supposed to do them with are really so much of what sets us back. And I had to work really hard to kind of put my mind Back in the sense of who gives a shit that you're 36 years old. You're here. Like you are here. You have arrived, honey. You are doing this. And my grandma didn't do it until she was in her 60s. And so I just kept thinking about that. And I just kept really reflecting on it. It's like as we were even in the van going to the hotel, and I'm looking at the streets of Rome and looking at all of the history there and all of the fountains and just the buildings and so many incredible cathedrals and things. I had never dreamed this for myself. It was something I said maybe I wanted to do or I was excited about doing. But my eyes were just so in awe of everything I was seeing and everything I was feeling. And I kept crying and I kept telling my friend and um her husband and their kids, like, I'm sorry I keep crying. I just haven't experienced anything like this before, or seen beauty like this before. And I was just so moved by all of it. And I could feel the emotional weight of this expansion of being doing what was so much beyond what I had even been taught or thought I could do for myself. I had been in so much of a grind through most of my life. You know, I got out of high school and then I needed to get through college, work a couple jobs. I was paying for it myself. Then I went into the workforce and would take little vacations here and there once a year. But this was just, again, so expansive and so incredible. And I had moments of thinking, wow, I just I wish I could have done this earlier, or I wish I would have pushed myself to do this earlier. And so all of those feelings at once were just a lot. It was a lot to take in and it was a lot to experience. And I just was so moved to be doing it on my own. And even, you know, the heat in Rome was unreal. And that was something that I just hadn't felt before. And typically, overheating is something that makes me really nervous because it is when I get really anxious, I get really hot. Like I can feel the heat in my body. And so I kept thinking to myself, oh my gosh, what if I overheat and then I have a panic attack and then this whole trip is over and I'm not going to enjoy myself. But that didn't happen. I think because I was just so enthralled with everything that I was seeing and so present, I didn't know my body could do that. Like I, even as I'm saying it to you now, I can hear some of the surprise in my own voice because I just didn't know that my body could do that or that my body could go quote unquote with the flow in that way, because typically I am not a go with the flow kind of girl. And so as I am processing and learning, and we go to the next destination, which is Capri. And then after Capri, we went to Terramina and then we went to Palermo. And as I'm moving through all of these, I just am feeling so alive. And I just kept saying that the views that I saw, the food that I ate, the people that I met. And Capri, that was a place that I don't know another way to explain it, other than it felt like a little island of almost like a Beverly Hills. Like it was very, very affluent. It was very beautiful, lots of amazing shopping, beautiful restaurants, beautiful beach clubs. And I was having moments where I was kind of saying to myself, I don't know if I belong here. Like I know that I'm here and I know that I'm staying at a hotel here and I have paid for it and I'm on my own. But for some reason, I just kept feeling like that. And at one point I had said this to my friend Liz, and I just was like, I just sometimes am feeling like, I don't know, like, are people noticing that I'm in this space? And she was like, Arlene, this is not an accident. Like you are meant to be here. Like you are meant to be here. You have earned your place here. Like you are on vacation and enjoying yourself. And I want you to know that the universe put you here for a reason. The universe is not on a budget. Ask for everything, ask for everything that you want. And she would really bring me back in those moments where I was feeling some imposter syndrome and feeling some moments of maybe I don't know if I belong here at a rooftop bar in Rome and with all of these incredible people. And she really was such a beautiful reminder of that. And there was this one moment in Capri where we had a boat day, and it was actually the 4th of July. And so it was interesting to be the to have the 4th of July in Italy. But we went on this boat and I had been on boats before, like whale watching when I was little. And other than that, I hadn't really been on any boats in my adult life. And I was nervous again for the anxiety part of things, but also just I don't know how to act. Like, I don't know. I don't know what to do. Like, am I wearing the right type of bathing suit? Like, what do I bring? Should I get ready? What is this beach club? And the minute I got on there, the people that were with us, the people that I met, and along with um the people that I was already traveling with, it was one of the best days of my life. Like I danced, I drank, I ate, I experienced cuisine I hadn't experienced before. I got to see, I got to jump into the ocean and swim in a cave. And it was just, I kept looking around and thinking to myself, this is my life. Like this is not a dream. This is not an accident. This is my real life. And I had this big awakening of thinking, not only have I not been dreaming big enough, but like, what is my capacity to dream bigger than I have before? And why have I not been doing this before? There was a moment I was kind of laying out in the ocean and just looking up at the sky and thinking, okay, this will not be the only time that I do this. Like, I think I had some people be like, oh, that's the trip of a lifetime. It was absolutely the trip of a lifetime because I will never forget that it was my first, but it will not be my last. And I felt that really strongly. Like, I'm not gonna let this be the only time in my life that I ever take this trip. Like, this is going to become something that is of me, of my essence. And I just felt that power and I felt that pride in myself that day. And again, I just was able to let loose, have a good time, laugh, not be self-conscious about what I had or what I didn't have or my body or anything. I just was there and I was present and I was so excited to be me. And the people around me were excited to meet me and spend time with me. And it just was so empowering and beautiful. And I had moment after moment after moment like that. And I one time uh we were going for a walk and looking up at these beautiful gardens. And again, I just was constantly filled with tears. And I could feel the difference in my tears from grief versus my tears from joy. And I don't know if I had felt that before. I've definitely cried from being happy, but over the last couple of years, I've had a lot of crying from just straight up grief and loss. And to feel my tears start to transition into joy was a feeling in my body that I won't forget. And it became one of those anchor points that I've talked about before. It was an anchor point for me of a new life, a new beginning, a new becoming of who I am and what I was gonna do and what I was gonna be and what I'm going to accomplish and all of that. Like these small, these all of these small moments, all of these things, the daily adventures, the saying yes to things, the trusting my body and trusting my nervous system and trusting my finances and my planning and choosing that. It reminded me that this mode of myself that had been in survival mode for so long was starting to strip away. And what I again call vacation, Arlene, is not just vacation, Arlene, like it's me. This is me. These moments of expansion are me, they are in me, regardless of where I am, whether I'm in Rome or in another island place in Italy, or whether I am here in Ventura. But that is me. All of those facets and all of those experiences are also me. And so I just kept thinking to myself, this is a life bigger than anything I had done before. This is bigger than anything that I had dreamed before. And now what do I do with that? Like, what do I do with those experiences? If as somebody who not only had never been to any of these places, but been to them in such like such incredible places, like going to Michelin Star restaurants and again, incredible clubs and dinners and bars, and uh just experiencing some of these elite spaces that I had never been in before, I started to realize that my therapist and I talk about this thing called feelings matching. And I've mentioned it before, I believe. But hey, this thing feels like this thing. This one thing feels like this thing. And having grown up as somebody who was lower income compared to my friends, especially in the area that I lived in, I was having some of those experiences again where I remembered, oh, I've been in a space before and not felt like I belonged here or like I didn't know the etiquette of what was happening here. And then in the professional world, this happened to me again. As I became more successful in my career, I would go to dinners and I would go to places where I wouldn't know how to order the wine or I didn't understand the cuisine. And I just felt like, oh my gosh, I'm really good at my job, but I don't know this part of things. And I was having some of that feeling, but in that way, in this way, this trip really healed so much of that. Like I was able to come in and own that space and own those different areas that I was in and not feel so self-conscious about my past and the things that I didn't know and and the the things that I didn't have. Like I was really proud of myself to be able to shop the way that I shopped and feel true contentment of like, wow, I've always wanted this handbag and now I'm buying it here at Chanel in Rome, or I've always wanted these sandals and I'm here in in Capri at Hermes. And and they might it might seem like stuff to you, but that's an experience for me. And these were all experiences for me the flights, the moments of solitude, the reflections, the being encouraged by my friend and her family. They also, I will say, as people who they do travel a lot more often than I do. And I was nervous again about that etiquette part of things. And not one, at not one moment on this trip did anybody make me feel like I didn't belong there. And if I said, hey, I don't know how to order this, I don't know how to eat this type of food. I what is that drink or what is this? I've never been on this thing before. I never got a reaction that was like, what? It was more of, oh my gosh, we're so excited to experience this with you. And that's also what this podcast is is you all experiencing this with me. Instead of me being embarrassed about the things that I don't know or things that I've been through that have been a little bit messier. I want to bring people along so that you can experience it with me. And seeing people want to do that and embrace me in that way made me realize again that when I'm with myself and when I'm with others, like I'm great company. And these explorations and these adventures are something that are going to continue to live in my body. And I hope that the impact that I made on some of the people around me will continue to stay with them as well by sharing my own perspectives on not having lived in that way before and not having seen these things before. I'm realizing as the trip comes to an end, as I mentioned, I started to have some of that like anticipatory grief of the trip's gonna be over. And then what? Like, what happens when I go back to life? Like, what happens? How do I bring this with me? How do I integrate this version of me into my life? But before I came home, I had one more stop, and that was back in London. And I went back to London for two days again, and I stayed at the Ritz. And the reason that I mentioned the Ritz, and the reason this is such a big deal, is because the last time I had gone to London, I really wanted to go to the Ritz and have tea. And it's an experience, it's it's you know, quintessential London. Like it is something that every, you know, not everybody has done, but it's something that people talk about. And the Ritz is such an incredible property and it's so historical and there's so much beauty there. And the last time I was in London, unfortunately, my partner didn't want to go. And there's a dress code, and it became a huge, a huge thing, a huge issue, a huge argument. And so when this trip came around, I said, not only am I gonna go to tea at the Ritz, I'm gonna stay there. Like I am going to stay there for two nights. And oh my goodness, that experience. When I walked in there, I had some of those feelings again of, am I fancy enough to be here or am I dressed enough? And I had told when I was checking in, I was very honest. And I learned to be more honest on this trip about myself and about what I did and didn't know, and about what I had and hadn't experienced before without shame. And I'd gotten really good at that on the trip. Instead of being more nervous about, hey, uh, I've never seen this before, I don't know how to do this, or can you ask for me? I started just being really open and like, oh no, I haven't done that. Can you show me? I'm excited. Like instead of being embarrassed. And so when I got to the writs, I had said to um the front desk attendant, this is my first time at this property. I've always wanted to stay here. I'm a little bit nervous about the dress code. Can you tell me more? I'm going to tea tomorrow. Like, what, like, what can you tell me? And he was so kind and so sweet and was like, oh my gosh, we're so excited to have you here. Let me show you around the property, showed me around the hotel, told me all the history about it before actually going to my room. And when you open yourself up and you're honest and you're real about what you're going through and who you are and what you want to experience, people want to meet you there and people want to help. And I could tell that he found a lot of joy in being able to talk to me in this way. And he was saying to me, you know, a lot of our guests are repeat guests. And so it's always a treat when we have somebody come here for the first time. And so that was just amazing. My room was incredible. And the the thing that was interesting too was no matter where I checked in, no matter what hotel I checked in at, I would get this, uh, I would get this reaction of, oh, just you, just one. Oh, okay, interesting. And when I was in Italy, one of the hotels I stayed at, um, because all of my luggage is pink, uh, the when I first checked in, the woman at the front desk had said the same thing. Oh, it's just you. And I said, Yeah, it's just me. And she said, Oh, okay, that's exciting. Like, you know, we're excited to have you here. And then as I would come and go, I remember one of the girls in the lobby said to me, Oh, it's girl power. And I was like, Girl power, what? She's like, Oh, yeah, we've been calling you girl power. Like, we've just never seen a woman stay at this hotel for this length of time on her own. And we think it's really cool. And I was so touched by that. And I took that with me through this trip. And I felt that way when I was in London. And so that that second time around. So that night, um, I went down to the bar and there's a restaurant bar and had a really cool cocktail drink with myself and had dinner with myself. And it felt so different from that first dinner I had with myself in London three weeks before, when I was a bit more nervous. Even though I was excited for my trip, I was still a bit nervous being on my own and just being with myself. And this time I was so proud. I was looking back at the last three weeks and everything that I had done and everything that I had experienced. And I was enjoying a cocktail at the Ritz with myself and ordered a delicious dinner. I got the most incredible burger. I love hotel burgers. No matter how fancy the hotel is, it is likely that I will find a way to order a burger just because I want to try whatever their burgers are like. Um and I had the most amazing dinner, like just had an incredible dinner with myself. Went back to my room, took a bath, laid down, and just had this reflective moment of thinking to myself, wow, like, why don't we go on trips on our own in this way more? Why don't we treat ourselves solo more like this? Why don't we create space to experience joy with ourselves? The joy and the love and all of the efforts that we give to everybody else around us, I was able to do with myself and for myself. And talking about it now is even just re-energizing me again. Uh, tea was an incredible experience. I got to spend some time with one of my cousins that is living out in London, going to school there. And I just was so proud of myself. I even posted on my Instagram a video of me crying where I'm essentially saying, I am so proud of myself for doing this, for going on this trip, for being brave in this new way and for being present in this new way. And the feelings that I had from that trip and the experiences that I had on that trip, I will carry with me forever. And it has deeply informed the way that I am looking at and approaching things now. So, for example, I'm going to New York in a couple of weeks. Why? Because I've always wanted to do Christmas shit in New York during December, and I'm gonna do that. And I again am going with my friend Liz or I'm meeting her out there. But when people are like, oh, you know, who are you going with or what are you doing? I'm I'm going on my own. I'm going on my own to experience something on my own that I've always wanted to experience, and I'm run out of excuses not to. And the it's just been a really beautiful journey and a really beautiful grow growth moment. And as I mentioned in my previous episode, as I've been, so I'm talking about the summer, as I've been in this season of winter, both, you know, externally in the world and somewhat internally inside me, I have pointed back to this experience and this version of me and reminded myself that that is me. We're not talking about somebody else. We're not talking about a show or somebody that I know. I'm talking about me. This is me. I experienced all of these things. And so as I've gone back and read some of my journals and reflected on this, it's a reminder of how you integrate a new version of yourself when you come back maybe into some of the old. And as I mentioned, these versions of myself are continuing to meet each other and they're continuing to integrate with each other. And all of the things that I had thought about from my past and thought about, you know, who I was and these truths I knew I knew to be true about myself were so different when I was able to live and feel free and alive and bold and beautiful and sexy and trust myself and feel present and feel ease. And I don't want to only. Only have that feeling when I'm on vacation. There, that feeling and that version of me has been trapped in survival mode for too long. And some of the tools that I learned and some of the things that I've learned over time to help myself survive and help myself be successful are no longer serving me. And that trip was an example of that because that aliveness and that boldness and that presence is really hard to anchor in when you feel scared and anxious and maybe depressed a bit. Like that it is hard to cultivate those things. But it was so nice to look back and think I have an anchor point. I have a new anchor point. I have a new baseline. I have a new something that I can take a look at. And the fact that I met a new version of myself and I will continue to meet new versions of myself. I will continue to make myself proud, make my ancestors proud, make my grandma proud in what I'm doing and the way that I'm living and what I'm experiencing. And so my challenge to you is what's that thing? Like, what is that thing that you're putting off? What is that thing that you've thought, I've always wanted to do this and I just can't? Or maybe this is just isn't for me. Or I don't know, it's just never a good time. Like I've mentioned before, it's not gonna be a good time. There's never a good time. But you create that good time, you create that space, you you can make that for yourself. I am someone who never dreamed based on how I grew up and how tough life had been for me up until the point that I could experience a new level of joy, a new level of success, a new level of becoming. But if I can and I can be in places and spaces that I never thought that I would experience based on my circumstances, you can too. And I want to remind you that. And I want to encourage you to think about that space that you want to take up, that goal that you have, that way that you want to dream bigger. And in some moments where maybe you've met a version of that or you haven't met a version of that, but you're maybe feeling stuck in some of the hardness of life and some of the toughness of that survival mode. I want you to remember that those are moments. These are all moments. And these moments can stay with us. We take from them what we can to help us move forward and to grow. But these moments are beautiful. And I just hope that in sharing some of my moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the exciting, the reflective, that you're able to think about what is that moment that you would want to create and you might want to cultivate for yourself. And are you dreaming big enough to do that? If you have loved this episode and you want to continue to hear more from me and you want to continue to follow along, please like and subscribe on whatever platform you are listening to this. Uh, please leave a comment or a review if you feel so compelled to. You can follow me on social media on TikTok and Instagram at Queen Arlene. That's Queen A-R-L-Y-N-E. You can follow the podcast at I Will Know You Pod on Instagram. Thank you again for spending some time with me today. Thank you for coming to Italy with me. And I am so excited to share more to come about all of these experiences and moments of becoming.